honesty and self

Good afternoon friends, lovers, foes,

Today I’m sitting at my parents dining room table with a homemade smoothie and an empty cup of tea. I’m listening to Tyler the Creator’s most recent album which is helping make two plus two still equal four. Things definitely feel out of order, to say the fucking least.

Today I’ve been looking my mental health conditions directly in the face: my manic-depressive “disorder” and my addiction to cannabis. Last night I slipped up and got a wonderfully intense cannab-ass-kicking Every experience comes with its lessons, yet I’m not about trying to get my mind annihilated every night no more.  Which is why I’m going with an old musician friend to NA for the first time today, which begins a new journey for me and my sobriety.

The last few days I’ve took a long voyage across the country towards my hometown in Santa Fe, accompanied by my parents anxiety that is seemingly always unconsciously perched in the front seat.

I tried my best to stay calm in myself while rapidly cycling between manic energy in the morning and depressive, anxious energy in the afternoon.  Over and over again I realize that I know my conditions better than anyone around me right now. The chain cigarettes, the desperate need to run away from my parents, the almost equally desperate need to be understood by them, the need to be accepted by the world around me.  “It’s not that type of party, boy don’t get me started,” I hear Erykah Badu’s words travel over Tyler’s for the moment. I can’t run away from myself and no one else can understand me, and that’s purely okay.

HONESTY is important to me, as is RESPECT.  Moreover, RESPECT does not come without LOYALTY and INTEGRITY to oneself. This is where I’ve been stumped time and time again. I didn’t  know RESPECT because I haven’t known INTEGRITY. To me, INTEGRITY means respecting yourself enough to put up boundaries.  I need to love myself. We need to love ourselves. The love for our selfs is so fucking important, and the closer I get towards love for my self the closer I get to understanding the path I’m on. I love so much in this world, the beautiful music, the flowers popping up, the light through the clouds, yet I’ve feared all of this too. I’ve feared the stories, feared what I could be, feared the patterns that run deep in everything I see.  I’ve felt that I’m not allowed to be myself, but I know it starts with taking responsibility which is why I’m sitting here, still listening to Tyler with a now full cup of tea.

Judgement is deadly and it puts us in these little boxes that simply can not support us in anything real. These judgements carry us away in the southern winds to places we once thought were gone. In this time we MUST stay true to ourselves, our passions, and our lives. Start with Me first. Do not put anyone before yourself. Don’t put on any masks, don’t take responsibility for anyone except your self. The art will direct us to the Truth, the art that speaks to us is CONSCIOUS and speaks to our unconscious.

As I say this, Mother tells me to meditate if i want to really internalize these intuitions. Enter the villain: Meditation has helped me so much, and learning to close my eyes for an hour and aligning my chakras has brought me to the clouds and the sun time and time again. Enter human: 432 hz being A makes me grateful to be playing music again. I play with the Alex Murzyn quintet and get to premier some of his new music tomorrow which makes me nearly elated.

I’m signing out, and hoping to find myself in new moments that don’t hold me hostage, but simply hold me. Enter Mother: Thats on You, baby!

privilege

Last night I went to hear the blues at the local jazz club. the music was locked in and transcendent, and the singer and guitarist were a team that fit almost perfectly with the rhythm section.

I found myself most drawn to the organist who played from a place that filled the whole room with energy. True energy.

I got a chance to play the organ later in a jam session and learn a little about how it works. Let us be for real though, it still feels like a fucking space ship to me.

Mostly i was just playing it like a piano which it just really isn’t, but I started playing around with the different settings, using the lower manual to comp, changing octaves and thinking about the purpose a little more. The owner, Hannah Jon Taylor, showed up with his soprano saxophone and sang with us, bringing his deep musical wisdom to the stage.

Outside of the club I find myself hitting a dab pen, smoking a cigarette, and feeling at home with this in some way. But this is when I got the clear message. “ you get away with being so crazy because you’re white.” I realize that as a confident white man, I can get away with most things, even though I’ve never broke the law in any serious way, this method of confidence, however, is used in real life to cause harm. Confidence and confusion that is.

See, i view life as an ever changing breathing multi dimensional mass …

“get a grip kid, that means nothing.” **

Well, what I mean by that is that I flow with energies rather than customs. When you flow with energies well enough, you go unnoticed, and become almost invisible if you’re REALLY flowing. In public spaces and under the influence of cannabis, this has thrown me off in many ways, unable to handle the many many realities at once.

a This confidence makes you the leader whether you like it or not, makes you the most powerful person in the room. and this is simply dangerous without proper awareness.

remembering gratitude

I am so grateful for all lives around me that remind me of what’s truly important: love is worth fighting for. Bringing my mom to a jazz club last night made me realize the importance of family with community. I feel that the healing for all of us is right in front of us.

Every day I am also reminded of our present moment and its necessity. While I feel my attachments gripping me in most times of stress or anxiousness, I feel at home with my mom and the presents of her shared company.   I muse over the ways in which she hovers over me with deep concern and care. I’ve noticed the quickness to define these as different and lash out when the concern arose. But I am more capable when I can switch into a mode of deep caring and reach out to my higher self to comfort the situation.

In terms of care for myself, I am learning every day. Cleaning, eating, cooking, being out, and exercise,AHh! yet my sobriety still feels like an obstacle. As my environment changes I trust that I can learn to adapt and take any situation from its highest place and take care of the present moment like a child.  I often feel negative energies or snakes all around me these days, knowing its my reflection of my fear , I know what I’m doing yet I feel completely in the clouds. “Oh shhh.. I say. get on the ground..” The criticism of my being makes me deeply sad. yet I walk on, looking to find my people to move towards flight and groundedness.

finding love in dissonance

I’ve been out in the world detoxing from a phone and frequenting jazz clubs, dispensaries, bars, grocery stores, and hospitals. I’ve been learning about the ways my story and delusions have played into the world and The many realities that permeate it. One thing rings clear: I need to listen more, be present more, and enjoy it. I am so so grateful to the musicians who have helped guide me through chaos and have the deepest gratitude to my mom for being with me through this time.

turning the page, We can’t ignore the truth of this presidency on all of us, and how its changed the environment completely.

The actions of this administration are unacceptable and the network of capital is destroying communities around the world: sudan, congo, tigray, haiti, palestine, and right here.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about these issues and not taking action. Here I will share my experience as I enter the community spaces more consistently. I hope to inspire action from those around me as I continue my own journey