privilege

Last night I went to hear the blues at the local jazz club. the music was locked in and transcendent, and the singer and guitarist were a team that fit almost perfectly with the rhythm section.

I found myself most drawn to the organist who played from a place that filled the whole room with energy. True energy.

I got a chance to play the organ later in a jam session and learn a little about how it works. Let us be for real though, it still feels like a fucking space ship to me.

Mostly i was just playing it like a piano which it just really isn’t, but I started playing around with the different settings, using the lower manual to comp, changing octaves and thinking about the purpose a little more. The owner, Hannah Jon Taylor, showed up with his soprano saxophone and sang with us, bringing his deep musical wisdom to the stage.

Outside of the club I find myself hitting a dab pen, smoking a cigarette, and feeling at home with this in some way. But this is when I got the clear message. “ you get away with being so crazy because you’re white.” I realize that as a confident white man, I can get away with most things, even though I’ve never broke the law in any serious way, this method of confidence, however, is used in real life to cause harm. Confidence and confusion that is.

See, i view life as an ever changing breathing multi dimensional mass …

“get a grip kid, that means nothing.” **

Well, what I mean by that is that I flow with energies rather than customs. When you flow with energies well enough, you go unnoticed, and become almost invisible if you’re REALLY flowing. In public spaces and under the influence of cannabis, this has thrown me off in many ways, unable to handle the many many realities at once.

a This confidence makes you the leader whether you like it or not, makes you the most powerful person in the room. and this is simply dangerous without proper awareness.

remembering gratitude

I am so grateful for all lives around me that remind me of what’s truly important: love is worth fighting for. Bringing my mom to a jazz club last night made me realize the importance of family with community. I feel that the healing for all of us is right in front of us.

Every day I am also reminded of our present moment and its necessity. While I feel my attachments gripping me in most times of stress or anxiousness, I feel at home with my mom and the presents of her shared company.   I muse over the ways in which she hovers over me with deep concern and care. I’ve noticed the quickness to define these as different and lash out when the concern arose. But I am more capable when I can switch into a mode of deep caring and reach out to my higher self to comfort the situation.

In terms of care for myself, I am learning every day. Cleaning, eating, cooking, being out, and exercise,AHh! yet my sobriety still feels like an obstacle. As my environment changes I trust that I can learn to adapt and take any situation from its highest place and take care of the present moment like a child.  I often feel negative energies or snakes all around me these days, knowing its my reflection of my fear , I know what I’m doing yet I feel completely in the clouds. “Oh shhh.. I say. get on the ground..” The criticism of my being makes me deeply sad. yet I walk on, looking to find my people to move towards flight and groundedness.

finding love in dissonance

I’ve been out in the world detoxing from a phone and frequenting jazz clubs, dispensaries, bars, grocery stores, and hospitals. I’ve been learning about the ways my story and delusions have played into the world and The many realities that permeate it. One thing rings clear: I need to listen more, be present more, and enjoy it. I am so so grateful to the musicians who have helped guide me through chaos and have the deepest gratitude to my mom for being with me through this time.

turning the page, We can’t ignore the truth of this presidency on all of us, and how its changed the environment completely.

The actions of this administration are unacceptable and the network of capital is destroying communities around the world: sudan, congo, tigray, haiti, palestine, and right here.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about these issues and not taking action. Here I will share my experience as I enter the community spaces more consistently. I hope to inspire action from those around me as I continue my own journey

slippingout and stepping in

Waking up to my being has been such an awe inspiring experience, forgetting who i was, why I was and what I am is allowing myself to approach the world with a deeper humanity. I feel in the power of art and consciousness, yet Im finding grounding in music of course. Challenges face us in ways we can never imagine, yet that’s the beauty of life in a multi dimensional reality. “Life is good, lets enjoy it” has been my approach forever yet life is so much more than that. every tie I come to an assumption about what Life is theres always another perspective,